Important Note: This character page is specifically for Volume III of the comic. If you're still reading the archives for Volume I or II, watch out for spoilers.

	Biff Alperson The main character of the comic, in theory. Lives in Moron County, and is occasionally prone to hijinks. Recently laid off from his job at K-Labs. He is being paid/blackmailed by Wax Poetic into fighting the ten most dangerous super villains in Moron County. Lives with ex-girlfriend Vyona, killer cyborg Francis, and Bobbes the rabbit. He's a pathological liar, and also the King of Dragons.
	Vyona Chang Former celebrity, and Biff's ex-girlfriend. On the lam from a secret, alien-fighting branch of NASA that wants to use her as a sleeper agent. Chose to hide with Biff for the sake of a slightly ill-conceived plan to get back together with him. After she went into hiding, NASA replaced her with a robot duplicate, which is carrying on her singing career in her absence. She's not happy about this.
	Clyde Alperson Biff's younger brother, who lives down the street from him with their parents. With Nina gone (see below), he serves as the sole voice of reason. Used to work at K-Labs with Biff, but was let go when they were no longer allowed to hire children. Has a pet turtle named Scooty, who is awesome. Clyde himself is kind of a dick, but a good kid deep down.
	Bobbes Anthropomorphic blue rabbit that lives in Biff's attic. Thinks everyone is awesome unless proven otherwise. Is aware of the fact that he's in a comic, but only uses this knowledge in dire emergencies. Has an extremely developed sense of smell. Has a different way of looking at the world that is sometimes mistaken for idiocy. The goggles he wears are a momento of an old friend. He's also obsessed with plungers.
	Francis A killer cyborg that lives in Biff's attic with Bobbes. Originally built by Biff's arch enemy to kill him, but was captured and reprogrammed by K-Labs. Has mechanical spider legs on his back, which he uses for walking and hitting people. Also has a variety of weapons in his arm, which he also uses for hitting people. Exposure to magnetism makes him sing and dance uncontrollably. No, not like Bender. It's completely different. Shut up! Next character!
	Fred Mudhart Clyde's best friend, for given values of the words "best" and "friend." Fancies himself as a ladies man. He is not. Also fancies himself as a genius with computers. He is. Worked at K-Labs with Biff and Clyde until he was laid off for being a kid. Recently hit puberty, which causes him to talk like a Klingon that's been kicked in the crotch repeatedly.
	Detective Penny O'Hara A detective with the Moron County Police Department. Still recovering from the death of her partner, Jared Wilkins. Believes Biff to be a menace to society, and works to put him away whenever and however she can. Not easily persuaded once she makes her mind up about something. Drinks heavily.
	Wax Poetic A mysterious entity that contacts Biff through text messages. Wax Poetic is aware that Biff is harboring Vyona from NASA, and uses that knowledge to blackmail Biff into cooperating with him. Currently, Wax Poetic has Biff fighting the ten worst supervillains of Moron County, and is paying him a modest fee for each one he defeats.
	Nina Fristrom Formerly a main character until events sent her away from Moron County and out of focus. Works at Flendcorp. In theory, is their PR consultant. In practice, does whatever it takes to keep the company from collapsing. A combination of a useless college degree, a terrible childhood, and prolonged exposure to Biff has left her only able to communicate via sarcasm.
	Ryan Flenderson Son of Jacob Flenderson, president and CEO of Flendcorp. Placed in charge of software development, despite knowing absolutely nothing about computers. Has loose grasp on concepts like morals, value of money. Talked his father into hiring Nina. Immediately forgot he did so after she came on. He and Nina slept together once in college. Both are trying to forget that happened.
	Sara Goodhead Ryan's girlfriend, and newest Vice President of Flendcorp. These two things are not coincidental. Never displays any emotion of any kind. Dresses like a cross between a hipster and a DC Comics character, yet is still successful. Might be planning arson.
	Jose Lead programmer for Flendcorp's software division, and the one that actually knows how to code software. May secretly be king of the Internets. Has a workplace crush on Nina, which is not reciprocated.
	Dakota Assistant programmer under Jose. According to his T-shirt, he is boss. May not actually be boss.
	Mrs. Alabaster Kindly old woman. Nobody's entirely sure where she came from. She just showed up one day in the Flendcorp break room, baking cookies and singing songs about turtle doves. Nobody had the heart to send her away, so now she works as a secretary.